As we grow – We Mask!!

This week I have had to do the hardest thing in my life ever. I was dreading it for weeks and when the day finally arrived, I felt numb. I guess I could call myself ambitious and more over I love to compete with myself. I have accepted challenges with open arms (other than maybe working out) and to push my boundaries of comfort and intellect. But I think I did not quite prepare myself to feel how I felt after the event. I had all reason to do what I had to do and I had support from all sides and a decision had been made. Even while executing it, I knew that what I was doing then and there made total sense and it was for the benefit of all. But yet I felt small and hurt. To have the power to decide another person’s fate is not at all amusing. It does not make you feel better than the rest. It is disarming and uncomfortable. It will test your skill at masking your emotions and keeping calm, confident and composed. All hell could be breaking loose, people’s lives might be shattering – but there you are in the middle of it all keeping it all together. I should win an oscar for my performance. Truth be told, I just had not prepared myself for the after shock. I had prepped my mind for the actual moment, but I underestimated how I would feel after and how I was squirming from within. I believe I have done the right thing and I have no regrets, yet I cannot help feel a bit lost. Crazy how hard it is to grow up and experience new things. Moments like these define who you can depend on to find you and bring you back from being and feeling lost. I am grateful I have them near and dear to me. Strength from your parents, support from your siblings, wise words from your far away friend and love & kindness from your spouse is what made me process the day and realize that there will be more difficult days or occasions to come, where I will be tested to mask my emotions and show strength. Hard as it will be, I rest tonight knowing that I have reliable people around me to help me grow!

Dreams

It’s plain and simple – I love dreaming!

I am pretty darn sure that I have been blessed with the ability to have vivid dreams and to wake up the next day to actually remember them.

I dream about almost anything – about my home back in Nepal, my high school, my dogs (even those that are dead), about flying (those are the best), about work (oh never can get rid of those), about crazy monsters, witches and snakes. I guess that when I hit the sack and submerge myself deep into sleep, I become this version of Indiana jones meets Tomb Raider with a twist of Harry Potter, lord of the rings. So don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to brag or even trying to compare myself to that. I just feel happy knowing that before I go to sleep, I may just have the chance to have a mind blowing experience.

Okay so maybe to give you a sense of my weird mumbo jumbo I will tell you about my recent dream. Here goes….

I was living in an open space surrounded by a wood. I don’t think there were really any houses or anything, just a bunch of us living under the moon in a open field. We spent our day picking berries, flowers and letting the warmth of our sun engulf our body. Then one day as we lay looking at the blue sky, a cadillac pulled up and out stepped three buffed up men. They were speaking to each other in language that none of us knew. We did not approach them and allowed them to watch us, as we thought they would leave eventually. Then all of a sudden my body felt a jilt and I started to have an seizure of some sort. Then the three men started to run towards me screaming something in a different language. But for some reason I could understand what they were saying – “the beast is in her…we must suppress it”….I was bewildered what were they talking about and what should I now do. Next thing I know, I had rounded up all my family and friends and we started to go around in circle holding hands and chanting some random stuff. It was too much for me to contain, as it seemed all of them too had been bewitched. So I left the circle and ran towards the wood. From the three men one of them captured me and swung me over his shoulder. But he did not run back towards the car, he instead ran into the woods. He held his hand onto my forehead and whispered, “awaken, you have always been close to me”. No clue what he meant but I felt safe even though I was dangling around his body. Then out of nowhere two of the men were chasing us on dirt bikes and they managed to catch up with us. One of them locked eyes with the man that was carrying me and gave a evil grin, leaving him to drop me and bellow the most deafening roar ever. He crashed to the floor holding his head. It seemed like the other men had put some sort of spell on him making him feel like his head was about to explode. In that very moment, I got up from the ground and then faced the two men and said BRAND (which means burn in dutch). Their bodies started to rupture with molten lava like blood & flesh mixture. It was like they were a volcano erupting right before me. The other man lying on the ground had regained consciousness and he came towards me and took my hand into his. We watched the men turn into ashes and then I turned to the man and said – “I am hungry”….

And just like that I woke up feeling thrilled and invigorated!!! It took me a moment to think back on what I had dreamed of that could thus explain my elated heartbeat.

Dreams!! I just love them….they keep my imagination alive…well folks that was it! For me now its off to bed…lets hope that I will have another good one…sleep tight!