Luna

Luna…my dearest black and white fur ball. You came to me so unexpected – I was only supposed to babysit you for 2 weeks and you ended up staying with me for almost 10 years. Hakan said you would be better off with me but I think I was getting the better end of the bargain and eventually I ended up better off with you. I have always had pets growing up, loved having cats and dogs around me, making me laugh and running around. But with you I knew it was different. You were my duchess, my person. Damn you were one lazy kitty and always ready to gobble something down – seemed like we were meant to be. You were so calm and always there – even when I was not in the mood or when I wanted to smother you with kisses – you were always there. You were there when I missed my home and parents, you were there when I missed my sister, you were there when I felt lonely, you were there when I felt like I wanted to just hide. You were there when I chilled on the balcony, you were there when I threw a house party, you were there as I locked myself up to cram for an exam or write up my thesis. You were there as I snuggled you at night, the very night I knew I fell in love. You were there as a faithful friend and companion making sure I made the right choices. I will never forget when I brought Pablo home and asked him to wait for me while I took a quick shower. Of course I planned it like that so I could see if you approved of him…hahaha…I left you with him opposite sides of the room and upon return I see you rubbing yourself up and down like the slut you were…my Luna you made yourself a new best friend as you approved of Pablito!!! You spent 5 years in NL with me, as I finished my Bachelor and Master. You snuggled your way into my siblings heart and as the day came for us to leave to Switzerland you left those two dumbos heart broken…maybe Arthur more since I not only took you away from him, I kidnapped Leia as well. I know a selfish heart does not know how to share…and oh lord how I hated sharing you. Sharing you with Pablo was the worst….as you always seemed to cuddle with him. I teased Pablo always how he loved you more than me and how I feel cheated on…hahaha…what I would give to have you back…purring in his arms or hogging on the bed with both Pablo and me trying to squeeze into the bed so that little miss luna would not be disturbed. You were one helluva a diva- no care in the world if I had the girls over….we were one rowdy bunch but you just chilled there giving zero fucks. Yes you sure were one diva, as you refused to get your snout wet as you drank your water…duchess Lunaton had her way of drinking-licking water from her paw as you dipped it graciously in your water bowl. Although maybe just one time you made an exception after you stealthily pigged out on the spicy curry chicken mamma made. Never did you drink so fast. And even when you lost your one tooth and you got yourself a new pirate grin…you always were capable of making us smile. I can go on and on about all the loving memories you gave to me, but what I will miss most about you is that you always looked into me reassuring me that all was going to be okay. How did you know, how was it that I felt so safe and loved? And now with you gone, I feel lost and distraught. I feel embarrassed and confused, I cannot understand how you being gone could have such an impact on me. You were just my pet!!! Just my pet!! Doesn’t that sound ridiculous – how can I lie….you were my luna…my person..my little Lunaton…how could you have left me! I guess you were pulling through till the last minute we decided that it was time. You knew already weeks ago and you were trying to tell us. You stopped eating, you lost weight and we pushed you to not give up for us. We were selfish to have spend night and day force feeding you and shoving pills down you. We didn’t want you to leave..but you knew your time was up…but you were our trooper..you kept it up for so long just to give us hope and to give us the last weekend. The last weekend we could cuddle and say our goodbyes. Monday July 27, 9:15am will be etched in my heart as you took your last breath as the Vet injected you. You were tired and weak, but those eyes were still trying to reassure me that all would be okay. Will it?? I miss you and having to finally give in to what we should have done days before, I don’t feel relieved. I should feel relieved that you are in a better place…but I am a selfish person and I want you back…I am weak and selfish and it kills me that I am sharing you with the afterworld. Being heartbroken is a cruel joke and saying time will heal or that its for the best is just a load of bull!!! I will deal with it I guess and I promise I will be okay….but I will be fooling myself if I say I will get over you…I will never get over you…I do not care if I sound like the crazy cat lady….you were my Luna…my moon in the darkest nights!!!

Lunaton

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As we grow – We Mask!!

This week I have had to do the hardest thing in my life ever. I was dreading it for weeks and when the day finally arrived, I felt numb. I guess I could call myself ambitious and more over I love to compete with myself. I have accepted challenges with open arms (other than maybe working out) and to push my boundaries of comfort and intellect. But I think I did not quite prepare myself to feel how I felt after the event. I had all reason to do what I had to do and I had support from all sides and a decision had been made. Even while executing it, I knew that what I was doing then and there made total sense and it was for the benefit of all. But yet I felt small and hurt. To have the power to decide another person’s fate is not at all amusing. It does not make you feel better than the rest. It is disarming and uncomfortable. It will test your skill at masking your emotions and keeping calm, confident and composed. All hell could be breaking loose, people’s lives might be shattering – but there you are in the middle of it all keeping it all together. I should win an oscar for my performance. Truth be told, I just had not prepared myself for the after shock. I had prepped my mind for the actual moment, but I underestimated how I would feel after and how I was squirming from within. I believe I have done the right thing and I have no regrets, yet I cannot help feel a bit lost. Crazy how hard it is to grow up and experience new things. Moments like these define who you can depend on to find you and bring you back from being and feeling lost. I am grateful I have them near and dear to me. Strength from your parents, support from your siblings, wise words from your far away friend and love & kindness from your spouse is what made me process the day and realize that there will be more difficult days or occasions to come, where I will be tested to mask my emotions and show strength. Hard as it will be, I rest tonight knowing that I have reliable people around me to help me grow!

The Light still Shines

When one loses someone, the grief can weigh down and take away the essence of ones very existence. Recently,  my Uncle passed away from a heart attack while taking a shower. We have been told that he had a peaceful passing. To celebrate his life and to give strength to his family, I wrote this piece below for his funeral.

The water pours down on me
Cleanses and refreshes me
Today is the day
I am happy….he has chosen me

The water pours down on me
Through my hair and down to my toes
Today is the day
I am blessed….he wants me close

The water pours down on me
I close my eyes
I am happy….for I was dearly loved
A beautiful wife and two blessed children
I am content….for I could love
A family and a home

The water pours down on me
I can feel his warmth
Today is the day
I am joyful….for I need not say goodbye
I will always be here – close

The water pours down on me
I am confident….they will be strong
My loving wife and children
Yes, you will be strong……
For I will always be the strength in your pulse

The water pours down on me
It is time to go
I am in wonder….for I embark on a new beginning
As their guardian angel

The water pours down on me
I feel him calling and I am now one with him
I am thankful…I will always be in their hearts
I am in wonder…for I see that they too will embark on a new beginning

Together we shall embark….
Together we shall live on….
The light still shines!!!